"Having a two-year-old is very hard. I feel like I'm in a relationship with an emotionally unstable woman who is also physically abusive and never gets in trouble for it."
"Stand-up will always be my favorite and the most important thing that I do. I view everything else as free money."
"Asian men are the sexiest. They got no body hair from the neck down."
"You know what male comics can't do? They can't get pregnant. They can't perform pregnant. So my attitude is, just use all those differences."
"I have this fantasy of relaxing and doing nothing. But I'm obviously very passionate about stand-up comedy. I mean, I keep doing it. So I must be really into it."
"I've seen many female comics that a lot of people haven't heard of who are so funny, and I saw them come up, and they were working so hard, and then all of a sudden they had a baby, and they just got tied up in motherhood, and eventually, they kind of just stopped doing stand-up, and I thought it was such a shame."
"My husband and I went to Japan for our honeymoon, and you look at, like, the presentation of the food, and it's ridiculous. It looks like a Mondrian painting or something. Everything looks like a bunch of little Hello Kitty erasers when you eat a little bento box in Japan. It's so precise and beautiful and processed and neat."
"Nothing is off-limits. There's just some things I cannot crack. Politics I can't do. When I start to talk about it, I just get really angry and super sincere. I have never found a way to craft all of that absurdity into funny."
"In order to be the best comic, you have to perform in a wide diversity of rooms."
"In Hue, Vietnam, we had savory rice pancakes with crumbled shrimp and pork rinds. I've still never had a version as good."
"The most valuable thing my dad taught me was to never care about what other people thought. When he came to my shows, and I'd announce his presence, he'd stand up with his hands clasped in victory and cheer my name."
"It's unfair to the hard-core stay-at-home moms to pretend you're able to have an amazing body by chasing around your kids."
"I think one of the hardest things to talk about as a comic is having money because it's so unrelatable."
"Before my dad passed away, I would miss a lot of baby showers and weddings, sacrificed a lot of family and friend events for dumb road dates. I don't do that anymore. It's gone in the other direction. I'm more inclined to put family and friends first."
"Women, a lot of the time, are so much funnier than men, but they just choose not to do comedy for a living."
"Comedy has so much to do with honesty, and women can be more open about their emotions."
"The life of a true, traditional stand-up is really unappealing for women."
"My dad was a doctor, and he would tell us a lot of nasty, funny stories from the hospital. It was funny to me when I'd go over to other people's houses and they didn't talk about intestines at the table."
"I'm addicted to picking my nose. In a world of red tape and bureaucracy, where it takes forever to buy a house or get a cell-phone plan going, it's so instant to just stick your finger up there and go for something your own body produces."
"People are always very surprised by how, offstage with my husband, I'm a completely different person... very soft and nurturing."
"A couple of female standup comics I know refer to their kids as their Little Career Killers. I was like, I really do not want to feel that way."